So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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