before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
