Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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