some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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