Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
