Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
