A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
