I skipped work to stalk him.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
