Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My feet surprised me
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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