he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
