Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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