you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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