Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
