Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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