I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
