Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I need to stop coming to work sober
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You were trust falling into bushes
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I supernannyed him into submission
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
