I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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