dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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