I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just invented taco cereal.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
