My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
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