Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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