This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
