nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
how do flat chested girls get laid?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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