onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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