bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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