My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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