Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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