I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
