We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
