Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
