She is in my trunk
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
