I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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