Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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