That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
