Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
