she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
