dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
