I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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