Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
