Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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