Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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