Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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