I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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