We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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