You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
