You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
