she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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