apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize