I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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