I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
