I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
