So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
