Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Randomize
