What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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