When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
