I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
