ugly people sure do ruin things
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
