I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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